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      APRIL:

     Tim:  

          I need help getting over my X.  He showed no warning that a break-up was headed our way, now he's 
     with some other girl and I have no say in anything.  I can probably get over the heartache but I really miss my
     best friend.  What should I do?

     Pipper.          

          My Dearest Pipper:

               I'm going to try my darnedest to answer your query, but let me just say upfront that I am not the
          expert in this area.  I'm usually on the flipside - love 'em and leave 'em.  But I do feel for you, because
          unlike this joker you're complaining about, I let my ladies know up front what they're in for.  Hey, it's the
          least I can do.  So here is what I think you should do about your little pickle.  #1:  Do you like having rat
          bastards for best friends?  I think you should kick his little a-double-snakes.  Then you should give me 
          your phone number.  Then we can go somewhere where he and his new tramp will be and we'll make him
          rue the day he ever broke your sweet heart.  Then maybe I'll vomit on him for good measure.  Give me a 
          few drinks and I can do it at will.  It's a gift, really.   In the meantime, take care of yourself....(that's from my
          mom.  she's very sympathetic toward your quandary)

          Until We Smooch,

          Tim

     MARCH:

Dear Tim,

          I have two questions. If you could be on a Survivor tribe with any of the previous Survivors, who would
     you pick? And do a lot of people star in fetish films to pay off their student loans?

     Your friend,

     Nate

          Hey Nate!

               Nate is my best buddy, everybody!  However, I am a professional and will answer his questions as
          such.  Ooh, reality TV questions.  Hey, it's what we socks do when we're bored.  Now, onto question #1:
          My Survivor tribe would have all of the hot chicks on it, as well as Greg from season one, and probably
          Rudy.  The chicks wouldn't be looking at the old man, and Greg is odd, so I'd have them all to myself. 
          Now onto question #2:  Hmm, I never thought about using the money for something like that.  I never had
          any student loans, though.   Oh, ahem, wait, I mean, uh, er, I wouldn't know....

          Your Pal,

          Tim

     Tim,
          My sock monkey “Colin” has developed a hole in his leg and needs urgent surgery – is it cool to go
     ahead and stitch him or should he get some medication first??

     Flower (Colin’s respectful guardian)

          My Dear and Lovely Flower,

               First of all, tell Colin that I know exactly how he feels.  He must be a party monkey like me. 
          Unfortunately, some of our wild nights result in a much needed stitch or two - all WELL worth it, believe
          you me.  Anyhoo, I find that medication of the alcohol kind always always helps to ease the pain.   If there
          is none available, see if you have any percoset laying around.  Anything to make such an experience less
          traumatic and give Colin some peace and a nice buzz.  (I got your back, Colin!)

          Best of Luck!  (Colin, call me!)

          Tim

     Say Tim:
          If you were on American Idol, what would you end up sayin' to Simon? We all know what would happen
     between you and Paula!!! Wink, wink!

     Your Friend,

     Bubba Bo Monkey

          Hey Bubba!

               This is an easy one.  I would say, "Thank you" to Simon because as anyone who has heard me sing
           can attest, he would be telling me I was fabulous and spectacular and was indeed the American Idol.  I'm
           not too sure if I would respond to Paula's advances, though.  She's looking a little rough lately.  Oh, who
           am I kidding?  I'd throw her a smooch, make her day. 

          The Original American Idol,

           Tim

-Send Tim a Question at asktim at thebigt.com-