Archives
JULY:
Dear Tim:
Dear
Smelly Scalp:
Your “maker” failed to complete the most important step before
creating you: Wash first.
But fear not, there is hope for you – you can get a nice outside
wash.
Grab some Woolite
or Ivory liquid soap and hop in the sink. You
may want
to try the washing machine for an
all-over wash. Sounds like you need your
insides sanitized. And don’t
worry, the dryer is
fun!!! In terms of your butt
– it’s supposed to be that way. It’s
the people with non-red butts
who have something wrong with them.
Embrace the red butt!! But
first, for the love of
Pete, hit the showers – I can smell you
from here!
Tim
Hey Tim,
I wish mine were
like that... mine are normal... not that yours aren’t
normal its just that... well
u get it.
So, will you? Thank you so much.
Dear
Gigi:
Well that’s a fine way to a boy’s heart.
Insult him. Lucky for you, my
head is full
of
pantyhose, so things like that don’t even phase me.
Plus, I’m a sucker for
the ladies, so
yes, I’ll go out with you. However,
you must understand one thing first: the way
you’re
throwing around the word ‘girlfriend’ concerns me.
I simply
can not be a one woman sock.
If you can handle being one of many, then
it’s all good. See you soon, and
wear something
slinky….(shout out to Heidi!)
Tim
Dear Great Tim,
My bro is, well, slow at school. He's 13. I'm 11. He doesn't have
too many friends, only a
couple, but he's a great
guy, me being his sister. How can I make peeps see
how fun and
cool he is?
Dear
Don’t Know What To Do:
Kissed. David Arquette does the
same thing for his sister. Well, you
should leave out the
whole lying part. See also:
Can’t Buy Me Love. Well,
except for the whole paying you to
do it thing. And the African dance.
And the part when he turns into a real jerk.
And don’t
watch the remake. That’s just
supporting all that is wrong in the world today.
You don’t
remake a classic like that.
Someone else would probably tell you that in a few years
you’ll
realize that being popular and in with the supposed “cool” crowd isn’t what
life is all about.
(I wouldn’t really know about that, since I ruled the cool
crowd, but that’s what I hear.)
They’d say that your brother will still be fun and
cool and probably still have those
same
close friends his whole life. But
you asked
me, so I’m giving you the sock point of view.
The
most important thing
out of all this for both of you to
remember is to wear your combat gear
and buckle up for junior
high and high school.
It’ll be a ride….
Tim
JUNE:
Dear Tim:
Just found you site and I have a burning question for you - what the heck
happened to your arms?
Man, they are so long and
skinny. Did they get run over by a steam roller? Did the dog next
door
de-stuff them for
you? Man, you need to do something about them, they make you look so
wimpy!
Stine
Dear Stine:
I've told the story of my arms on the site somewhere before. When I was
young and trying to
make it in the business, I took a job as an amusement park ride. I would
tie my arms and legs
around other stuffed animals and whip them around. I think the combination
of that and all of
the partying I've done (those beer kegs are NOT light) have taken their
toll. But the ladies
never seem to mind. In fact, I've been told that they like them long and
skinny. The arms, I mean.
We should get together - you'll forget all about mentioning the word
"wimpy" once I wrap my
magical arms around you. Kisses!
Tim
MAY:
Dear Tim:
I like this boy, but I don't know if he likes me. What should I do?
LonelyGirl
Dear
LonelyGirl,
Hmmm. This is a tough one. There are so many things you could
do. So I take it he's not
giving off any tell-tale signs? Ooh, here's a good one. Attempt to
make him jealous - see how
he reacts. That's usually a good indicator. If all else fails, grab
his butt. You'll know if he likes
you by his reaction to that.
Good Luck!
Tim
Dear Tim:
I am Grace, Sockmonkey's Mom. I don't know when he is happy or sad.
How can I tell how he
feels? I want him
to be happy.
Grace
Dear Grace:
It's not written all over his face? We sock monkeys are usually pretty
easy to read. I'd say
if he's not frowning or sitting alone in the corner, he's probably happy.
In addition to being easy
to read, we're also easy to please. If you want him to be really
happy, give him some booze, girls,
or anything shiny. And love him. That will make him the
happiest. Have fun!
Tim
***This next one is a follow-up to one of last
month's questions***
Hi Tim:
I'm Peter. You see, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but the last time
I got asked out by a person she
was really annoying me so
I dumped her. I didn't want that to happen again, so I said no. When
she
asked me it almost seemed
like that she really didn't like me. Now that I'm aware she really does, I
feel
horrible. How do I
get her to not to be sad? I don't know what to do! I also don't like being
a sissy. I
don't act like I think
that I can beat every1 else up. I'm not that mean!
Peter
Dear Peter:
Well, if my sweet and lovely Heather has not found anyone else by now, then
maybe you should
just tell her what you just told me. Or better yet, print this out and
show it to her. Then if she gives
you a chance, you treat her like a queen! And the first step to not being
a sissy is admitting you want
to stop. Good work, my friend. You are now on the road to being a
man. Go get your lady and show
her that you can be a good man. Good luck to the both of you!
Tim
-Send Tim a Question at asktim at thebigt.com-
