Archives

      MAY:

Tim,

          I have a real problem that I don't know how to handle. I have this girl who I've known for a while, 
          but she has a little problem. She has a sock puppet that she pretends it can talk....I know that this may
          sound normal to you, but she leaves me messages all day at work on my voicemail, and its the tube
          sock talking!! What a freak!!  First of all how does a tube sock pick up the freakin' phone, it has NO
          ARMS!! Secondly, how does a tube sock FREAKIN' TALK? What a wack job. I'm supposed to meet
          her for dinner with her parents, but how freaky are they?  Do I try to talk to her about this problem, or 
          do I just ignore her LUST for this puppet?

     Thanks

     Monkey Humper

          My Dearest Monkey Humper:

               Well, well, well.  I have a lot of issues with your question, as you can very well imagine, but I'll try
               to address it as easily and diplomatically as I possibly can.   I'm non-partisan!  No, I don't have a 
               problem with the puppet thing.  Well, maybe a little.  (see below)  Anyhoo, let's just assume you are
               talking about a weird monkey made out of what you call tube socks.  I always equate that with those
               athletic socks with the stripes on the top.  That's what my best friend Bob is made out of.  But he's not
               a monkey, he's a sock boy.  However, he does have no arms, like the monkey you speak of.  Now you
               say the monkey leaves you messages at work?  And this is a bad thing how?  Isn't it nice to know the
               monkey is thinking of you?  I have to defend the monkey here, because lots of times when my mom isn't
               home,  I get bored and tend to make some phone calls to pass the time.  Granted, my calls normally
               involve a 900 area code, but my point is that lots of monkeys use the phone.  And I think I can vouch 
               for the fact that we talk.   And I'm always on the lookout for a nice new daddy, so maybe the monkey 
               has your girl's best interests at heart.  In terms of meeting the parents, ain't no thang.  I've never tried
               to deny or dispute the fact that my mom is a little wacked out, but my grandparents are normal.  So I 
               wouldn't worry much about that.  I do have to say that your girl is most likely not having lust for her
               monkey.  It's more of a maternal, motherly love thing.  And most monkeys are mama's boys.  (There's
               nothing wrong with that!  Stop looking at me like that!)  I don't know if talking to her about it is going to
               help.  I still don't know why you see a problem with the monkey thing.  This is one of the greatest girls
               ever if she's doing all of this!  Hold on to her!  But it all comes down to this one thing: if you can't 
               handle the monkey, then you can't handle her.  

          Best of Luck-

          Tim

     Boy, that was a long one!  Here's one that's nice and short and to the point:

     Dear Tim,

          So, are you like a puppet or something?  I don't like puppets...

     || Leo Kempf ||

          Leo, Leo, Leo:

               I'm going to try to control my temper on this one, but you've just asked about my biggest pet
               peeve.  Everyone should know this one by now.  No, I am not a puppet.  I suppose I may be an
               'or something.'  If you look clearly, there is no hand up my a**.  Please stop calling us sock
               monkeys puppets.  You can feel good about liking me now.  

          From the Non-Puppet,

          Tim

     Dear Tim,

          My monkey gang refuses to trade in their Mardi Gras costumes for Easter outfits.  I know they love
          feathers and glitter, but it is Lent and it is time for a change.  Any advice?  

     Regards,

     Auntie M.

          Dear Auntie M.:  

               Sorry this is a late response, but I think it can apply to any time of year.  Now you say your monkey
               gang likes to wear feathers and glitter?  What kind of monkey gang are you raising here?  They 
               refuse to take them off?  Do any of your monkeys bear a striking resemblance to Joan Rivers or
               Barbra Streisand?  I say buy them nice, manly leather jackets.  If your monkey gang happens to be
               made up of girls, then just buy them diamond-trimmed dresses to change into.  I know all about girl's
               best friend.  How do you think I became such a ladies sock?  Side note: having all girl monkeys is 
               frowned upon by us folks.  Boy socks rule!  Good luck!

          Tim

     Dear Tim,

          My socks go down into my shoes when I walk. What should I do?  How do you handle it?

     Thanks,

     Mary Anne

          My Dearest Mary Anne:

               Your socks are only trying to break free of their life of slavery to your stinky feet.  (No offense to
               you personally, as we monkeys feel that all feet are universally stinky.)  What should you do?  I have
               a few suggestions for you.  Listen carefully.  #1 - Join a nudist colony so you won't have this problem
               anymore.  #2 - Put down the pipe.   I am a sock.  I don't wear shoes.  I don't handle it.   #3 - Give me a
               call with the address of that nudist colony when you join.  

          All My Best,

          Tim

-Send Tim a Question at asktim at thebigt.com-