Here are the Ask Tim Archives

If I am a 13 year old female what should I say to my boyfriend on a date to a movie and dinner?

               Hmmm. 13, eh? I’ll have to remember that when giving this answer. First of all, and most importantly,
               you shouldn’t say anything to him during the movie. Movie talkers go right up my little sock heinie.
               They’re way up there on the ‘should-be-lit-on-fire-and-rolled-down-a-hill’ list for me. (Glarkware has the
               BEST cards for such offenders) So #1: if you want the boy to keep liking you, don’t say a word during
               the movie. Also, if he talks during the movie, either smack him in the mouth or dump him. It’s the only
               way to weed out the bad ones.

               Now, onto what to say during dinner. Talk about him. Guys love to talk about themselves. A little light
               flirting is also good, but please refrain from saying, “Coffee, tea, me?” A big no-no. If there is dessert
               with whipped cream on it you could – wait – fight it Tim, she’s 13 – okay, um talk about the weather?
               No, wait. Talk about me. Yes. Because once again, when everything else fades away, it is always all
               about me. Also, ask him if he likes fondue and macramé. Those are always good questions to weed out
               the bad ones. Have fun!

Dear Tim:

My boyfriend and I had a fight and broke up. My old friend Haley told Lucas I was going to break up
with him. What should I do to her?

          My Dearest Lucas-less Lass:

               Oh no she di-in't! Now who is this Haley girl and why is she all up in your business? Is she after your
               man? Did she do it purposely? Did you ever see the movie Lucas with Corey Haim? Were you going to
               break up with him? I can answer this a few different ways, depending on the answers to those questions,
               especially the Haim one. You say Haley is your "old" friend - does this mean you lost your boyfriend
               AND your friend? First, I have to give the standard answer - girlfriends will be there for you long after
               all the boys up and leave, so remember that. Think if he's really worth it if you guys break up over a
               rumor. Now that I've said that, if she purposely sabotaged you and your man, then what should you do to
               her indeed!   You could always start a rumor about her. I always feel any rumor with the words
               "hermaphrodite" or "third nipple" in them are good. Good Luck!

          My boyfriend doesn't like it when my friend Sock Monkey talks to him. In fact, he usually ignores S.M. as
          he is known, completely! I can't understand this as S.M. is a very likeable monkey. Does my boyfriend
          have a prejudice against monkeys?

          My Dearest Monkey Girl -

               Hmmm. I get questions like this a lot. I wouldn't say that your boyfriend has a prejudice against
               monkeys. I would just say your boyfriend is - what's a nice way to say this? - a stupid a--. I have a
               better name for boys like that, but my mom swatted my fingers when I tried to type it. I get it, this is
               a "family" site. Whatever. Boobies! Yeah, take that ma! Anyhoo, back to you and your problem.
               If you really like this guy, you should keep him away from S.M. for the sake of the relationship. I know
               whenever my mom brings around a guy who ignores us or doesn't like us, we monkeys get angry and
               set out to sabotage the boy. If he can't handle me, then he can't handle my mom. Tell S.M. I said to
               kick this boy's a-double-snakes for me. Good Luck!