Here are the Ask Tim Archives

I'm a monkey, too! My name is Pooper. I have a problem. I like this really HOTTT
babe but she doesn't like me! What do I do?!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!

               First of all, if you want babes to like you, stop telling them that your name is Pooper.
               And before you ask, no with the 'Poop' as well. Try Pedro or Marcel. Also, I would
               leave out the part about being Canadian, eh. I do have some cool pals up in Canada,
               (hey Fez, Clifford, Cindy, Cindy's mom, etc. E-mail me!) but some chicks just don't
               get the whole Canadian thing.   They may associate you with Anne Murray, and then
               you're pretty much all done. In terms of the rest of your problem, I'm going to have
               to wing it because I've never had a hot babe not like me. Hold on, my mom is telling
               me something. She says to make her laugh. Seems chicks dig that sometimes. Have
               you tried acting like me? Try that - it should work like a charm. Just think to yourself,
               "What would Tim do?" Then do it. And remember, NO Pooper.

         Good luck, Poops!

Hey Tim~
When does a girl go from being the "chick a guy is seeing" to his girlfriend?

             Hello my love -

               Ah, advice for the lovelorn. There are many different ways this can be determined. Most of
               them involve a little bit of trickery on the girl's part. (Don't even think about trying it on me,
               ladies, I'm immune to tricks and tomfoolery. I invented them. It should be called "Timfoolery"
               but there was a typo the first time it was written. Those Toms steal my glory ALL the time!) You
               can always try to bait him into admitting it, but all guys other than me are inherently stupid when it
               comes to girls. It's just something they're born with. But back to your question - I think it's different
               with every relationship.   Some are sooner, some are later. If it's taking too long, shut him off a little
               from the goods. He'll come around REAL soon if he wants to be your boyfriend. You could also try
               getting him drunk and making him say it. If not, I would say when the weekend dates are assumed
               and you can burp freely in front of him, you are his girlfriend. Good luck!

          My name is Mr. Bigsbey. I'm a sock monkey too! I was born on July 14, 2002. You are my idol.
          Monkey to monkey question: my mom says I'm too young to drink beer... but occasionally my dad lets
          me have a swig of his rum and coke. Do you think this sends a mixed message?

               Hey, that's what the girls like to call me. I don't think this sends a mixed message at all. The
               message is very clear: your mom is out of control and your dad rules. Beer is great, but rum is
               even better. In the case of sock monkeys, you are never too young. Tell your mom to crack one
               open for you and get over it. You're here, you want beer, get used to it! If she still continues with
               this insanity, disown her. Clearly, it's the only thing to do.

Hey Tim -

          I love the site and movie clips and etc. but I have a problem. My brother thinks that you are the
          stupidest most dumbest thing on the face of the Earth, but I think you're awesome.   He likes everything
          that I dislike and I like dislike everything he likes so Tim, what do I do???

                Wow, your brother sounds like he is in need of some serious help. The green-eyed monster has a
                big hold on him. He's so jealous he doesn't know what to do with himself. First of all, ask him why
                he's got to playa hate like that?   Then show him that everything he likes is crap. If he's still playing
                this game after that, disown him. Once again, it's the only thing to do. Well, that or knock some sense
                into him with a sock full of pennies.