Archives

JANUARY:

     Dear Tim:

          Why are you so funny?  I love the site!

     Dana Wood

          My Dearest Dana:

               I wish I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that.  Ah, I'd probably have about
               thirty-five cents by now.  Anyhoo, glad you like the site.  And in terms of why I'm so funny?
               I must have gotten the 'funny' hose stuffed in me.  Some of us socks are lucky that way.

          Sock On!

          Tim

     Dear Tim:

          Should I ask my mother for a sock monkey?  I wanna know if they are fun to have hanging around.
          I am 12.  Thanks Tim!

     Anna

          Ah, My Lovely Anna:

               The answer to your question is quite simple.  Yes and yes.  And too bad you're 12.  (Call me when
               you turn 18!)  You will never find anything as fun as a sock monkey.  It's the secret of life.

          Tim

          [Here's a follow-up to the above question - Anna got her monkey after Tim e-mailed her mom on her
          behalf.  Here's what she had to say afterwards:  "I got the sock monkey that you told my mom to get.. she 
          is a pure beauty! she is my best friend . her name is sox. she LOVES your site. she says you're so 
         handsome.  THANKS!"   Awww.]

     Dear Tim:

          I have two friends who want me to kiss a guy but I am only ten years old.  I really like him.  He says he 
          likes me but he says something different each week and I have been doing all his crap for like ever.   I
          always tell him he should do something for me in change.  Do you think he gets it?   

     Alyssa

          Dear Alyssa:

                Let me let you in on a little secret:  us guys tell girls we like them to get what we want.  Well, most
                guys.  I would never do such a thing, of course.  [ahem]  Anyway, my mom is piping in here and 
                saying that he's a guy - he'll never get it.  [Shoo, Ma.  I'm working here.]  I think you should stop
                doing his crap and then see what he thinks.  You're young enough to wait for someone who will 
                treat you right.  He's starting with his little mind games at an early age.  Good man.  I mean, that's
                horrible!  What a cad.  Anyway, if you ignore him and he stars being nice, well then I say: pucker up!  

          Good Luck!

          Tim

     Dear Tim:

          There is this girl that I've liked for a long time and I have asked her if she will be my girlfriend and she
          always makes up an excuse.  What should I do?  Should I just forget about it or keep trying?

          My Troubled Friend:

               Hmmm.  I've never had any problems with rejection, so I'll have to wing it on this one.  Do you think
               she's playing hard to get?  Does she make up valid excuses?  Does she giggle and secretly like it
               when you ask her?  These are all things you should take into consideration.  If her excuses include
               things like, "I can't, I have to wash my hair," then forget about it.  If you stop asking and she starts
               paying you more attention, then I would give it one more shot.  But act real cool and aloof, like you 
               don't care what she says.  You can say things like, "Oh, that's cool baby.  You know how it is rockin'
               and rollin' and what not."  If she still doesn't come around, then forget it.  She's either foolish or a
               lesbian.  Clearly.

          Good Luck With The Mackin'!

          Tim          

DECEMBER:     
     
     Dear Tim:

          You're so thin!  My sockmate is always telling me that I should lose some weight and be like that
          cool guy, but I've tried everything!  I don't want to get fluff removed, so how do I get thin?

     Sincerely,

     Ted Sock

          Dear Ted:

               I can't answer your question the way I want to because my mom told my not to advocate my lifestyle 
               so that others can get to be as thin as me.  (I'm on the booze and cigarettes diet.)   I wasn't always this
               thin.  Before I was famous, I had a job as an amusement park ride where I would tie my arms and legs
               around other stuffed animals and whip them around.  (Hey, my mom was 8.  Give her a break.)  So I
               guess you could always exercise.  But I'm too lazy to bother with that.  Come party with me, I'll get you
               thin.  Do you like Schnapps?

          Yours, 

          Tim

     Dear Tim:

          Hi!  I have a problem with my boyfriend.  I am 16 years old and he is 20!  See, we were just getting
          close when he went to jail for smoking weed.  I really love him but I'm tired of waiting on him because 
          he has six months to pull and I feel like I'm being punished for a stupid a-- mistake that he made.  So
          what do you think I should do?  Stay with him or wait for him to get out of jail.  Please help me!

     Malerie

          My Dear Malerie:

               You know, I can't tell you what to do.  But...for the love of Pete, do NOT wait for him.  He sounds 
               like a bad news bear.  You're too young to be tied down to a jailbird.  Find yourself a nice boy or
               monkey who won't waste your time.  What about Skippy?  He always liked Mallory on Family Ties.
               No, scratch that.  You don't need a nerd.  Just a nice boy (or monkey).  Find someone who will
               actually be there under the mistletoe with you, not someone who won't.  Also, orange jumpsuits are
               so unflattering.   Think about that while you look for a mature boy.  Good luck, girl!!!  

          Your Pal,

          Tim  
     

    -Send Tim a Question at asktim at thebigt.com-