Archives

APRIL:

     Hi Tim:

         My name is Stan.  I have an owner named Heather.  Well, she has a problem.  She likes this boy 
         named Peter.  She told him that she loved him and he told her that he did not want to have a girlfriend
         right now.  Now she is all sad and sits alone.  I don't know what to do.

     Love ya,
     Stanley

          Stan, my man:

               Wow, this one is going to be tough for me because usually I'm in Peter's shoes, having all of the 
               ladies fall for me and not wanting to settle down with any of them.  But at least I keep my ladies 
               happy, unlike this Peter fellow.  If he really liked Heather, then he wouldn't have dropped that lame
               line.  She deserves so much better than someone who comes up with an excuse like that.  But I imagine
               right now she is still too sad to see that.  But she will.  In the meantime, all you need to do is to perform 
               your main sock monkey duty to your owner.  Love her.  Hug her.  Comfort her.  Be her pal.  It's what
               we were made to do.  All of the partying and carousing we get to do is just gravy.  Be her best friend, 
               and find her a worthy man.  I like to ask any guy that comes to the house for my mom, "Are you my 
               new daddy?"  That sure weeds out the losers right away.  Good luck, and give Heather a hug for me!
               Oh, and someone kick that sissy Peter's ass.

          Tim

          
     MARCH:


     Hey Tim:

          Everyone is making a big stink over Janet Jackson's boob. What's your take on the incident??

     Yours Forever,
         Carol

          Dear Carol:

               I love boobs.  Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs!  I'll take 'em any time I can
               get them.  So I don't know what all the hullabaloo is about.  We should be rejoicing in seeing 
               boobs!  Well, maybe less scary looking ones.  Yeah, that was probably the problem.  Scary
               boobs.  They'll get you every time.  Damn them!!!  Wanna show me yours?  hee hee

          Right Back At Ya, Baby,

          Tim


   Yo Tim:           

          We are your fan club (Tennessee chapter) and we are always looking for places to have our weekly
          meeting.  (Because,you know, not everyone's house can be available at all times) We asked our school
          principal for a classroom we could meet at for just once a week and he said we were just silly little 7th
          graders with monkey problems (how DARE he!) and we tried to explain but he still said no. What should
          we do?
 
     Love, Your fan club. (Vicky; President, JoAnna, Kaylee, Brandon, Christopher, Amos, Rebecca, Alex, and
     Potroast) Also a Clay Aiken Fanatics Awareness support group.
 
          P.S.-We have a young lady monkey (Maxine Delacado) Who says she's hooked up with you a few times. 
          Does the name ring a bell?

          Hey Gang!!!

               Wow!  You guys rock!!!  And your principal sounds like a total tool.  What a ninny.  So you guys 
               can't just stealthily meet up in a room without him knowing?   You're too polite to even ask.  But 
               then again, I can see how meetings might get a little rowdy if the topic of me is involved.  Maybe
               you can try to convert your pansypants principal with the power of the sock monkey.  Subliminal
               messages, my friends.  If not, I can send Vern after him if you'd like.   Then again, Maxine sure is
               a persuasive little minx, maybe you can send her in.  Uh, not that I would know about her at all.  
               I never kiss and tell, you know.  Ahem.  Keep rockin', guys!

          Your Pal,

          Tim


     Dear Tim:       

          My boyfriend and I broke up for this girl that told my boyfriend that supposedly I was cheating on him 
          with my ex and he believed it so he broke up with me. Then when he broke up with me he went with his 
          ex and asked her out, and after school he told me that he wants to go out with me again.  What should I 
          tell him -  yes or no, and why?

      Ms. M

          My Dear Ms. M:

                There seem to be a few things to sort out here.  Did you cheat on your boyfriend with your ex?  If
                not, then you need to teach that girl who told your boyfriend that a lesson or two.  Maybe start a 
                rumor about her that she likes Bob Saget or something.  That'll learn her!  However, if you really
                did cheat with your ex, then you must really think about it before you go back with your boyfriend.
                (Also, be more secretive - sheesh!)  If you didn't cheat, and you really want to take this boy back, 
                you need to tell him to grow up.  He shouldn't be following the whole eye-for-an-eye rule.  That's just
                ridiculous.  If he really wants to be with you, he should fight for you, not try to make you jealous! 
                Listen to the wise words of Peter Cetera in the love theme from one of the Karate Kid movies:  "I
                am the man who will fight for your honor...."  Ah, Cetera.  If you can't take his petty revenge 
                strategy, then tell him to float on, baby.  

          Good Luck!

          Tim


     Dear Tim:          

          I really like this guy name Ryan. He is a hott sexy beast, and we've had a really interest convo. He's so
          perverted and he's a player.  I think I have a chance but he hangs around so many girls.  HE'S SO
          PERVERTED!
 
     What's your advice?
 

          Hey there!

               What's my advice?  This guy sounds perfect!  He sounds like me, except I'm less of a perv.  From
               what you are telling me, this guy sounds like a huge dog.  So he hangs around all girls and talks a
               good game?  And he's a hot sexy beast?  Hmmm.  Does he know he's a sexy beast and/or does he
               act like it?  If so, then he's probably not someone you should look to for anything long-term.  He 
               sounds like a love 'em and leave 'em kinda guy.  But hey, if he's not and he can tone down the pervy
               and treat the ladies with some respect (he can still think pervy things in his head) then go for it!
               Sexy beasts have all the fun.  And I should know....

          Tim


     Dear Tim:          

          Well I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 10 months and he knows everything about 
          me but I feel I don't quite know him yet, but I don't know what to ask him about himself.   Do you think 
          you can help me figure it out?

     Thanks!

          My Dear One:

               This is an easy one.  Guys love to talk about themselves.  Plain and simple.  You can ask him pretty
               much anything.  However, use your judgement.  He probably doesn't want you to ask him things about
               curtains or macrame or how often he cries.  I recommend mixing in some questions that zero in on
               exactly what you want to know along with some that might surprise you with how much you'll learn
               about him, such as:  Who is your favorite muppet? or If you catch a cold, can you throw it back?  or 
               Why is Tim so rockin'?  or If you were forced to kill someone, how would you do it and how would you
               dispose of the body?  Well, maybe not that last one.  In the meantime, button your lips and get him to
               blab.  Have fun!

          Tim


     Dear Tim:          

          "Buster" writing again about this married classmate of mine and our chatting and meeting.  We met again
          for the second time for 2 hours and talked mainly about our personal lives.   I actually said, "When we
          first met after all these years I wanted more than to just be friends with you."  We both agree that our
          relationship shouldn't go any farther than just "friends" but we both keep saying "If we were only single 
          or would've got together earlier in life."  When we left the restaurant we hugged each other - a friendship
          gesture I guess.  I can't be honest and tell my wife we've been meeting. This women is very interesting to
          talk to and we have so much in common and much history to talk about.  She's like a magnet to me.   I am
          so flattered she had a crush on me for 9 years but never told me till now and she is a very pleasant woman. 
          How can I tell my wife about all this?  I need to be honest but it will be hard.  I know she will be upset with
          me and she will despise this classmate of ours at our class reunion.  My wife and I were High School lovers
          so we both know this woman and have been married for 29 years.  Our class reunion will be this summer 
          and I am on the committee as well as my sweet new magnetic friend.  She is always on my mind now.  
          Please advise...............
 
     Buster 

          Hey Buster!

               Wow, a lot has happened since last we spoke.  Hmmm.   Sounds like you have a case of the warm 
               fuzzies.  Or something like that.  It's normal to have crushes on people, even when you are married.
               It's what you do about them that counts.  You've bypassed the 'not going to even entertain the thought'
               option.  At least you are recognizing that you have to be honest with your wife.  Also, you were smart
               to agree that your relationship with this woman should not go farther than friendship.  However, it is
               easier said than done.  It's sad to say it, but Harry and Sally were right.  It's extremely difficult for a
               man and woman to be just friends.  It's very rare that one party doesn't have a crush on the other one 
               at some point in time.  It's the hardest in your case when both sides feel this way and it is made known.
               The best case scenario for you would be to cut down on your contact with this woman and save both of
               you some heartache.  But, like I said, easier said than done.  Your wife's reaction to this will all depend
               on how you tell her.  Try not to sound all googly-eyed.  Make it casual - your wife's reaction may very
               well dictate how the rest of this plays out.  If she does indeed get angry and despise your friend, then
               that may actually end up helping you cut ties.  If your wife knows and it doesn't bother her, then the
               woman may (and I stress the 'may') lose her luster to you because she's not so 'forbidden' any more.
               Do the right thing, man.  Focus your smiles on your wife.  Good luck!

          Tim    
                                              

     

    -Send Tim a Question at asktim at thebigt.com-