Liz Taylor, eat your heart out!

          Mwah, mwah, mwah!  Kisses to all of the ladies out there for this month
    of lovin'.  Maybe you can all come over and kiss my wounds better.  As you can
    see above, I had to rely on a wheelchair one night last month after hours of
    grueling surgery.  *cough*drank too much*cough*  I hope everyone had a great
    start to their years last month.  I know I did.  As you all surely know by now,
    New Year's Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year.  This year, some joker
    brought a camera to the party.  Very funny.  Click here to see some pictures 
    from my night. I managed to have enough money to buy back the most damning
    photos.  This month I'm just looking forward to spreading some love and lip
    smacks all around.  My two favorite holidays, right in a row.  I guess it's all
    downhill from here, right?  Nah, screw it.  I can usually find any excuse to party
    and mack.  Anyhoo, moving on....

         There are a few new updates to the site for all of you good folks to enjoy
    this month.  First, the bad news.  As of right now, there is no movie clip.  If I get
    a chance, I'll try to get one up.  Now the good news:  there are a bunch of new
    song requests up on the Sounds Page.  You guys sure send in some good ones.  
    I apologize to those who send in songs that I really don't know.  Since the fall of
    disco, I try to stay in touch with all of the music out there, but sometimes it's just
    too painful.   But I'll always try just for all y'all.  You guys rock!  In addition to 
    the songs, there are 2 new victims on my list of People I Would Like To Slap.  If 
    anyone is wondering why there are 2 red stars over Sharon Stone's  boobs in her
    picture, it's because I had to doctor up the photo before putting it on the site.  I
    have to maintain my pride in having a nipple-free site.  Keep those to yourself,
    Stoney.  Man, I can't stand her.  Does that woman ever wear underwear?  I 
    think that is ultimately what she will be most famous for.  How horrible for her,
    how funny for us.  And cool, I got to say 'nipples' on the site.  Hee!  There's also 
    a few new items in the Tim Store.  My mom is all about the bumper sticker.  
    Nerd.  Finally, this month marks the debut of my advice column, Ask Tim.  Like 
    I said last month, I won't be able to answer all of the questions that I get in, but I
    shall try.  I tackled three queries this month, so check it out and keep sending in
    your worries and troubles.  I enjoy laughing at them and mocking you with my
    friends.  Oops, I mean I enjoy helping you all.  It brings me such joy and warm
    feelings.  [Do you think they bought that Ma? What?  Shut up and keep working? 
    Slavemaster!]  

         I've got some exciting things planned for the next few months, so get ready
    for some rockin' sock action.  I'm always up for suggestions and requests, so 
    keep sending them in.  I'll be busy planning some trips for the spring this month,
    but I think my mom is only going to let me go on one with her.   I'm no Nate. 
    Speaking of my best bud, he's been on a few adventures lately, so check those
    out.  But not right now, because you know it is still all about me.  Where was I? 
    Oh yes, the trips.  I think I'm going to choose the Key West one as that involves
    girls in bikinis, margaritas, clothing-optional bars, and a 98% chance that I won't
    remember much of anything.  Please, can anyone tell me what is better than that? 
    Not much, my friends.  Not much.  There will also be a special Easter Egg Hunt
    Contest on the site around Easter time.  I'm going to be giving away a prize to 
    the winner.  Send me any suggestions you have for what you'd like the prize to 
    be.  I already have an idea, but I'd like to hear yours.  I'll post the results next
    month.  Until then, I'm off to be riveted by the glut of bad reality TV shows that
    have been monopolizing all of my free time of late.  Joe Millionaire, you
    succubus!  It's so bad and cheesy yet I...can't...look...away...MoJo...Evan...Sara's
    knockers...slurp?   And why didn't I get a call for The Surreal Life?  Oh yes,
    probably because I  would have throttled Emmanuel Lewis the first time he 
    laughed in my presence.  I'm too old for American Idol and too pampered for
    Survivor.  Maybe I can go on Star Dates!  I think the ladies would much rather 
    go out with me than freakin' Eddie Munster.  [Note to self: call agent and try to
    arrange an appearance on a special twins or triplets episode of Star Dates.  Also mark
    down on scoreboard - Tim: 33   Eddie Munster:  0.  Amateur.]   Well all, that is it for
    this month.  I'm off to do some Valentine shopping.  I have to go to Sam's Club to
    buy in bulk for all of mine.  Ah, such is the life.  Have a great month!  Until next
    time....

Tim

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